Issue 083

December 2011

Subs, knockouts, slams and a man-cycle – just another month in mixed martial arts!

MOST PAINFUL-LOOKING GUILLOTINE-CAN OPENER

Alexander Shlemenko, Bellator 50

Aside from the can opener submission being extremely rare in MMA, it’s very uncomfortable. It essentially consists of an opponent in your guard wrenching your neck by pulling on the back of your head, driving your chin into your chest. Now imagine it in the standing position with your back to the cage, and instead of an opponent using their arms, they opt for their entire bodyweight. Oh, and add a guillotine to that, so your opponent’s hands are folding your larynx into your neck. Well done, you’ve mentally recreated what Russian middleweight Alexander Shlemenko did to Zelg Galesic at Bellator 50. Still considering that MMA career?

NEARLY MIND-BLOWING

Mark Hunt, UFC 135

If you’re not sure why the possibility of former K-1 kickboxer Mark Hunt getting an armbar over Ben Rothwell in the second round at UFC 135 was so astounding, consider the following image. Brock Lesnar pulling off a Matrix kick. Yes, Hunt’s near tapout of Rothwell was that insane. The New Zealander (where they filmed Lord of the Rings, for the geographically challenged) showed a ground game astronomically sharper than at any other time in his career: stuffing Rothwell’s Denver-altitude-impaired takedowns, pulling the former Miletich product to the mat and passing guard into side control. Hunt’s new-found jits means that his submission resistance is no longer a message-board punch line, and for that, Mr Hunt, we salute you. 

CRAZIEST FIGHT

Leonard Garcia vs Nam Phan, UFC 136

By making it to the end of a knock-down, helter-skelter bout against Nam Phan, it’s officially clear that the only way you’re sending Leonard Garcia to the showers early is if you manage to tie him in knots and tap him out. He and Phan went at it proverbial hell for proverbial leather at UFC 136 and sent the crowd to its feet at the end of their 15 minutes after they’d seen Phan drop Garcia and take the Greg Jackson man’s back, Phan wear Leonard down in the second, then in the third Garcia’s heavy shots had Phan on the ropes for an unlikely comeback. Phan took the decision to level their series but Garcia may have earned the right to be dubbed ‘The Mexican Zombie.’ That and a $75,000 bonus for ‘Fight of the Night.’ Easy when you know how. 

SLAMMING

Pat Barry and Dominick Cruz, UFC Live 6

Slams. So visually appealing an entire industry is based around them (pro wrestling). There’s nothing better than when they’re applied in the Octagon and UFC Live 6 in October had three of the beauties. First, in answer to a triangle attempt, Pat Barry’s five-foot-eleven and 243lb powerbombed the six-eleven, 261lb Stefan Struve. Though purists might squeal a suplex isn’t a slam, in the evening’s main event Dominick Cruz hit Demetrious Johnson with a German suplex twice. Twice! FO awaits the day where a mixed martial artist successfully hits a Rock Bottom. Not so much the People’s Elbow, though.

WE BE WRASSLIN’

Chael Sonnen, UFC 136

Seriously, pro wrestling, it’s all over MMA. What Chael Sonnen did in his post-fight speech after arm triangling Brian Stann (challenging 185lb king Anderson Silva to a title bout where a Sonnen victory sees Anderson leave the middleweight division, and a Silva victory has Sonnen leave the UFC) is called a ‘Loser Leaves Town Match’ and it’s one of the squared circle’s greatest gimmicks. Just as he did against Stann and Silva, Sonnen might expertly apply amateur wrestling in the Octagon but on the microphone he’s all about wrasslin’. Before steel cages and trash cans, the Loser Leaves Town was the daddy of all match set-ups and it just made one of mixed martial arts’ most sought-after rematches even more exciting.

MOST CONFUSING ENTRANCE

Masaya ‘J-Taro’ Takita, Pancrase Impressive Tour 10

Why the grimace? You’re acting like you’ve never seen a man ride other men to the cage before. Actually, on second thoughts it is a mild optical abomination. First, Dennis Hallman lets it all hang out in some pretty hilarious Speedos at UFC 133, and now this? What on earth is happening to MMA, eh? Still, Masaya ‘J-Taro’ Takita’s unusual entrance on a Pancrase show in October gets points for abstract visual representation – his cornermen are supposed to be a motorcycle, obviously! 

AND THAT’S FOR CALLING ME A JUICED-UP CUBAN

Alexis Vila, Bellator 51

If there’s one thing Scarface taught the world, it’s to never make a Cuban angry. Sadly that’s what Bellator featherweight champion Joe Warren did before his bantamweight debut opposite fellow wrestler, and Cuban native, Alexis Vila. After Warren suggested Vila used performance-enhancing drugs by calling him a “juiced-up Cuban,” Vila shot back that Warren had “little balls and a big head.” Ultimately, Vila introduced Warren to his little friend (i.e. a fierce left hook) to knock Warren stone cold, then followed up with a right before the referee could shunt Vila away. The first strike-based stoppage loss of Warren’s highly impressive MMA career.

SWAGGER JACKER

Joe Lauzon, UFC 136

Before fighting Joe Lauzon at UFC 136, Melvin Guillard was probably only one win away from a lightweight title shot. But after being caught by a jab while coming in, then tapping to a short choke (all within 47 seconds) Guillard’s at least another two ‘W’s away from getting a sniff of 155lb gold. Joe Lauzon, on the other hand, just minted himself. A year ago he shut down in the second round before tapping to a kimura against George Sotiropoulos, and, compared to Guillard’s five-fight streak, had only one win going into UFC 136. Now, he’s hijacked Guillard’s 20-month momentum with a minute’s work. That’s MMA for you.