Issue 070
December 2010
It’s the step program for combat sports superfandom!
1. Go watch the big show live
If you’ve not yet had the opportunity to attend a live UFC event, then you’re missing out on what is the pinnacle of mixed martial arts entertainment and a rite of passage for any fan. With the average event hosting a generous 11 fights in a night – compared to the five or six shown on TV – a live show is the only place where you can witness every minute of every fight: from headline acts to undercard tear-ups you thought only existed in urban myth. Coupled with an array of Jumbotrons that ensure even if you’re sat behind Super Hulk’s Choi Hong-Man himself you won’t miss a single frame of gratuitously super slo-mo groin-shot action, the admission price represents superb value for money.
With tickets ranging from $75, for seats in the rafters, to several hundreds, for a cageside view of Arianny’s sweet posterior between rounds, the dent in your wallet will be a long-forgotten memory when those first bells of The Who’s Baba O’Riley – the UFC’s goosebump-raising audience warm-up montage theme – ring out.
The good news also being that with the number of shows increasing year on year since 2005, and the UFC continually venturing onto new turf, there has never been a better time to go. And remember, even if the action on the night turns out to be somewhat below par, you can always take solace from the fact you screamed down the barrel of the camera as it hurtled past.
2. Host an MMA party
A recent study by fight game website MMApayout.com found that the average North American fan can spend close to $1,000 every year on pay-per-view purchases alone. So remember that the next time the ever-enthusiastic voice-over guy reminds you that the weekend’s action is “only available on pay-per-view”. Instead do the math and invite some friends round to split the cost and make an event of it in your very own living room. And if your friends are still stuck in the 1990s watching air-punches, fear not for you can visit www.starstills.com and share the experience with life-size cardboard cut outs ranging from UFC fans George Clooney to Paris Hilton, and even Chuck ‘The Iceman’ Liddell himself.
3. Go back to school
Once upon a time, long before strength and conditioning coaches, publicists and fighter figurines came onto the scene, MMA was at its most primal: no rounds, no weight classes and, largely, no rules. Few would argue that the sport has not evolved for the better since then. But experiencing those early years, for the very first time or as a nostalgic trip down memory lane, makes for enjoyable and educational viewing.
Whether it’s experiencing the circus that was UFC 1: The Beginning, witnessing baby-faced debuts of current superstars such as Tito Ortiz (UFC 13: Ultimate Force) and Chuck Liddell (UFC 17: Redemption), or watching in awe as a prime Mark Coleman destroyed all before him, the ‘old-school’ is an indulgent and guilty pleasure for both new and seasoned fan alike.
Unsure where to begin? Try these:
- UFC 1: The Beginning: Befuddled commentary, segways, one-gloved boxers and a painful lesson in why sumo will never be a staple of the modern mixed martial artist.
- Pride Grand Prix 2000: Mark Coleman as Mark Coleman should always be remembered.
- The Smashing Machine: An HBO documentary that provides a very real and sobering look into life away from the cage.
- Dan Severn vs Frank Shamrock, UFC 9: If only to never again bemoan a fight as boring: makes today’s ‘lay ‘n’ pray’ look like a Tony Jaa trailer.
4. Evangelize
With MMA now sanctioned in 44 US States, and continued expansion overseas thanks to the tireless efforts of key players such as UFC chairman and CEO Lorenzo Fertitta, and vice president of regulatory affairs Marc Ratner, now is the time to think not what your sport can do for you, but what you can do for your sport. So say it loud, say it proud and help guide those lost and less fortunate souls to the path of righteousness that is the ‘world’s fastest-growing athletic phenomenon’. With some less-than-spectacular boxing on the horizon, there’s one close demographic that’ll probably thank you for it in the long run – leaving you with a warm fuzzy feeling inside knowing you are helping make planet Earth a better place.
5. Support grassroots MMA
The flipside to the bright lights of the UFC, organizations such as Bellator, King of the Cage and Canada’s Maximum Fighting Championships, serve as both proving grounds for future stars and gentler pastures for fighters past their prime.
An opportunity to witness home-grown low-key talent like Bellator standouts ‘Funky’ Ben Askren and featherweight champion Joe Warren, or pay homage to UFC Hall-of-Famers Dan Severn and Ken Shamrock, the absence of air-conditioning, large audiences and all-round razzmatazz means they make for a very personal and unique viewing experience.
So while the action may not always be of the highest quality, these organizations are the most brutal and honest insight into the mental and physical toughness demanded of professional fighters. One that will leave you with a new found appreciation as you smell every bead of sweat, feel every blow struck and hear every cry of pain ring out. This is MMA’s ‘unplugged’ album.
6. Check out Rogan’s stand-up
Love or loathe his color commentary that’s been a regular fixture of the UFC since 2002, Joe Rogan has been performing stand-up for almost 20 years and his comedy shows, often held the night prior to UFC fight cards, make a great accompaniment to any MMA event.
A sampling of Rogan gags:
- “What’s the one thing that everybody associates with alien abduction? Anal probes – what, aliens come all that way and don’t have MRIs!”
- On hosting Fear Factor for four years: “There’s a girl with a mouthful of animal penises, and I’m telling her, ‘You can get more in there,’ and she’s listening to me! And this is my job? Man, was my guidance counselor off.”
- On man-eating tigers: “One tiger I read about killed three men on a boat of five. Did you know they could swim? Like a motherf**ker apparently! They can swim faster than five guys can row a boat!”
7. Attend a fan expo
Not to be confused with the seasonal migration across the globe to Harry Potter conventions by thousands of ‘cosplaying’ teens and middle-aged men that should know better, a UFC exhibition is the place to meet and greet the largest gathering of UFC, WEC and former Pride fighters.
With a Who’s Who of MMA celebrities in attendance conducting autograph signings, seminars, Q&A sessions and a whole host of fan activities, an exhibition is the ultimate fan experience. One that makes the UFC’s yearly Fan Expos, alongside all the other independent events every few months, the perfect excuse to pull that sick day you’ve long been saving.
8. Bust a move with fight stars
When a fighter’s interviewed post-victory by Joe Rogan, three things are pretty much guaranteed. One: said fighter, despite knowing the intricacies of an omoplata sweep to armbar transition, will struggle to put his T-shirt back on. Two: Rogan will utter the words: “You gotta be happy with that!” Three: the thousands in attendance will get invited to the local watering hole for a spot of after-show party action. So whether it’s cutting a rug post-UFC 105 with Dan Hardy at Manchester’s Hard Rock Cafe, or smooth-talking your way into uber-exclusive bashes such as Rashad Evans’ UFC 114 celebrations at the Tabu Ultra Lounge, Las Vegas, ask yourself where you’d rather be: sharing the dance floor with beautiful ring girls, or crammed in the back of a car for the ride home with your sweaty pals?
Cautionary note: be sure to vet in advance any potential recipients of your Don Suave chat-up lines – you are in a room full of trained fighters after all.
9. Try your hand (or foot, knee, elbow...)
Scientific research suggests that what separates the fighter in the cage from the fan in the aisle are years of predisposed evolutionary advancements that put us into one of two categories: fight, or flight. Yet while the everyday fan may not aspire to be the next Brock Lesnar or Anderson Silva, trying your hand at any number of the martial arts that make up modern MMA is both good for your health and an insight into the life of a professional fighter.
So if you’ve ever had an inkling to ‘roll the mats’, hit the pads, or experience the awe of stepping foot into a cage, check out www.findmmagym.com for comprehensive listings of classes up and down the country, many of which will accept both new and seasoned students.
10. Take one for the team
Don a protective cup and have a good friend deliver you one straight to the crown jewels. It’ll hurt like hell, but it’ll make you thankful that you’re the fan, and fighters are the professionals.
10 things every MMA fighter should do
A fighter’s battle up from undercard prospect to headline act is no easy feat. But how does an aspiring modern warrior really know when they’ve made it?
1. Have a move named after you
Chael Sonnen might consider a black-belt in BJJ the cost of a Happy Meal, but having a submission or move named after you is a whole other level of grappling. It’ll put you in the good company of Ivan Salaverry (aka the ‘crucifix’) and Japanese judoka legend Masahiko Kimura (aka the ‘keylock’) – even former YouTube star and ex-UFC fighter Kimbo Slice has the ‘Kimboplex’ following his Ultimate Finale 10 victory over Houston Alexander.
2. You’re a character on UFC: Undisputed
Extra kudos for being an ‘unlockable extra’.
3. Your translator is a permanent member of the fight camp
Whether it’s fielding questions from the assembled press or passing your room number along to the delectable local talent, when a translator is a constant in your fight camp rest assured that times are good.
4. You’ve got your own personalized walk-out T-shirt
Throw in a few skulls, a sprinkling of flaming crosses, your nickname in bold Gothic font and you’ve officially made it into the big time – just learn how to put the damn thing back on post-fight.
5. Chael Sonnen is calling you out
If Sonnen’s calling you out, strap yourself in and brush up on your guerrilla smack-talk repertoire as you’re in for some verbal warfare that’ll have you the talk of forums for months.
6. You go from TUF contestant, to TUF coach
If it’s good enough for former welterweight champion Matt Serra, and light heavyweight champions Forrest Griffin and Rashad Evans, it’s good enough for you.
7. You become an adjective
If all the cool kids are using your name to describe putting on a beat down (“He went ‘Wanderlei’ on his ass”), then go cash in some of that ‘...of the Night’ bonus – they’ll be plenty more where that came from.
8. You’ve got your own doll
Not just any doll, but your very own Round 5 figurine – extra kudos if it’s a limited edition model complete with a ‘so cool it hurts’ color co-ordinated gi and headband combo like UFC welterweight champion, and all-round style icon, Georges ‘Rush’ St Pierre.
9. You’re in a movie
Hall-of-Famer Randy Couture’s made a whole bunch of them, Quinton ‘Rampage’ Jackson’s BA Baracus reprisal has grossed over $175,000,000 worldwide, Rashad Evans has two in post-production. Even disgraced ex-UFC fighter ‘War Machine’ has had a dabble.
10. You’re on the cover of FO
Only the biggest and best fighters make it onto the cover of the “World’s Leading Mixed Martial Arts & Lifestyle Magazine”. Putting you in the illustrious company of MMA greats such as Antonio ‘Minotauro’ Nogueira, ‘Shogun’ Rua and everyone’s favorite axe murderer Wanderlei Silva.
10 things every hardcore MMA fan should do
1. Go to Saitama Super Arena on NYE
Take your kids! Clap along politely like it was crown green bowling! Thrill to the announcer antics of ‘Japanese Shouty Woman’, the actually not Japanese Lenne Hardt! Visit the venue for Dream and Pride, the spiritual home of Nipponese MMA, on New Year’s Eve when the biggest cards are held. saitama-arena.co.jp/e/
2. Join The Underground Forum
Warning: the application has a box to tick (or not as the case probably is) saying, ‘Have you ever fought in an amateur or professional MMA bout?’ Via mixedmartialarts.com – use the impenetrable ‘old-school’ version layout, obviously.
3. Get banned from every other web forum
Try ‘fighter bashing’ some Canadians, accusing GSP of cheating, or claiming you know who wins Ultimate Fighter 12 (you don’t, of course).
4. Receive a curse-filled tweet from Dana White
“If somebody shows that much interest to get in touch with me, I’ll often reply,” says the Big D, “even if it’s just to say ‘go f**k yourself.’”
5. Collect Pride posters
In all seriousness, some (not all) of Pride’s promotional material is/was a triumph of graphic design – especially the ones that look more like ads for the opera. Look for Pride 10, Pride 30, or Pride GP 2004 on Ebay. Successors Dream have kept up the tradition admirably.
6. Have your picture taken with a UFC ring girl
As a hardcore fan you never normally admit to having anything to do with the UFC, but for a chance to smell Arianny’s hair... Make sure you still do a ‘punch hand’ like she might as well be Bas Rutten. Actually, do a ‘punch hand’ in all your photos – work Christmas party, honeymoon, etc.
7. Go to an Anthony Robbins seminar
The self-help guru it’s OK to like if you fight MMA – who’s worked closely with Diego Sanchez and even Chuck Liddell’s crew at The Pit – regularly holds mass seminars and has DVD sets to buy.
tonyrobbins.com.
8. Claim to be learning sambo these days
Try out Fedor Emelianenko’s base via the American Sambo Federation (ussambo.com) or Canadian Combat Sambo Federation (combatsambocanada.org).’
9. Start your own T-shirt range
Like our very own hardcore writer Matt Benyon, he of the ‘MMA Icon’ slot. Check out his goods at scramblestuff.com
10. Get in FO’s Months Ahead as ‘The Fan’
Applications and fictional bribes to [email protected]
