Issue 061

April 2010

On a bit of a lighthearted theme, this article is inspired by my two years working as a personal trainer in a large corporate gym, before the full-time MMA gym I’m based at, The Griphouse in Glasgow, came into being. By Paul McVeigh.

A few weeks ago I found myself back in one of these big health clubs, and it seems that very little has changed. You might not have any choice but to train somewhere like this. Here is a list of some of the activities that will not go down well in a health club.  

Chalk

Chalk is a vital tool for aiding resistance training when grip is a factor, but for the health club management chalk is up there with rabies and bags of crap on the list of items they do not want passing through their building.  

I do see their point; it can be messy. It leaves marks on their shiny bars, people will throw chalk balls at each other (they do in my gym anyway) and it helps guys lift heavier stuff – all of which spell doom for member numbers, right?  

Dropping weights

I am not advocating such douchebaggery as dropping heavily loaded bars after every set to attract as much attention possible, but occasionally (particularly in the absence of chalk) you will miss a clean or a deadlift, and the bar will come crashing down to the floor.  

The floor is designed for this, so no problem, right? Wrong. This is a mortal sin in health clubs around the country. You will be tutted at, told off and probably crucified on the illuminated sign outside. The best way to avoid this fate is to never pick up anything heavy.  

Treadmill protocol

The original treadmill was designed 400 years ago by a warrior monk who wished to combine his three favorite things, namely, reading Hello magazine, walking in the ‘fat-burning zone’ and not sweating. There have been those who have come along and tried to change the ancient ways by doing things such as high-intensity interval training. They believe this anaerobic training is superior to aerobic training for athletic development and body recomposition. The science does seem to agree, but what has science ever done for us? These mentalists must be burned – or asked to slow down or leave or something.  

Olympic lifts

Nothing will make a health club manager’s sphincter tighten up more than watching someone repeatedly throw a heavy barbell over their head. The Olympic lifts are great for developing total body power and are turbo fun to do. However, an Olympic lift done wrong is a great way to end up in hospital.  

The problem comes when the majority of the people staffing a health club cannot tell the difference between an Olympic lift done well from one that has been done badly. Either way, you are probably going to be asked to stop.  

Med ball throws

This one is guaranteed to cause a reaction. It’s noisy, draws attention, can endanger others and can destroy property. Unfortunately, it is also great for developing upper-body power and rate-of-force development.  

Try to be courteous, let the staff know why you are about to slam a medicine ball into their freshly painted walls, and watch as you are escorted out of the building. Once there, start launching your stolen med ball at the walls outside, as they tend to be less likely to fall down.  

Hulking out

There are many things that can get to you in this strange environment. Guys hogging benches while chatting on phones, barbell curls in the squat rack, walking on treadmills, people rolling their eyes at your strange exercises and people asking what you are doing only to give you advice on an alternative exercise that would “hit” the muscle more.  

Initially it’s funny; you will laugh it off. But it will keep happening until one day something happens and you can think of no other recourse than to drop a barbell on the protagonist’s neck. When this happens, you will definitely be asked to leave – with the police.  

It is unfortunate that a lot of activities that are key to athletic development are prohibited, or at least discouraged, by modern health clubs. Instead, we are asked to go slow on cardio equipment, sit on a machine to lift a weight, and do more ab work. 

If the health clubs threw out their machine weights and provided their members with proper instruction in the performance of free-weight exercises and interval training, I think their members would have a lot more fun and be a lot happier with their results. 

Paul McVeigh is a sports scientist and professional fighter, and is ranked the number one bantamweight fighter in Europe. He trains fighters out of The Griphouse gym in Glasgow, Scotland