Fighters Only

Issue 043

November 2008

There’s no excuse left to keep you from the trend that’s sweeping the MMA nation. Throw open your door, it’s TV party time.

You can’t beat the buzz you get at a top class MMA event.

The roar as the crowd react to skilled fighters giving it their all in the cage creates a special atmosphere.

Unless you’re a Russian oligarch or you’re named after a French hotel, it’s unlikely that you have the time or the scratch to jet around the globe to satisfy your craving for premium Octagon action. Like the rest of us, you have to make do with the next best thing – the TV.

Many fans have become hooked after catching flashes of UFC action when channel surfing, and the world’s biggest promotion has now found a home on Setanta. Marshall Zelaznik, the head honcho of the UFC in the UK, is bullish about the partnership. “They are the kind of network that won’t put us on a shelf and just air it there. They are interested in helping to promote the UFC and to promote mixed martial arts as a sport.”

Sport is the key word here. In the Setanta schedules, the UFC rubs shoulders with premier league football and world championship boxing. They cover the UFC on their news channel and regularly interview leading lights. The most important development since the switch to Setanta: it’s LIVE, baby.

Zelaznik agrees. “For the hardcore fan, it’s of paramount importance. The ability to see sporting events live is what makes them so unique. Certainly the UFC is something that you want to be a part of.”

This is real drama. It’s just not the same staying off forums and hanging on for the Sunday omnibus. Saturday night / Sunday morning’s alright for fighting and you have to be there to get the full effect. The numbers suggest more and more people are getting wise to this. Pulling 35,000 for a show that starts at 3am is impressive – but this may be the tip of the iceberg. The way audience figures are calculated in the UK does not adequately reflect multiple viewers.

We live in a country where piling round someone’s pad to watch a sporting event after a pit stop at the off licence is as a much a part of our culture as morris dancing and moaning about petrol prices. The fact that not every household has Setanta, due to technophobia and tightness issues, fuels the social impulse.

Live MMA used to be a guilty secret, consumed by pale fanatics hunched over bedroom computers. Now it’s an excuse to get the gang round and roll out the barrel. The Japan / Korea world cup and the adventures of Hatton and Bruno proved we find the combination of sport, flag waving and early morning drinking irresistible. Marshall Zelaznik spies another ratings bump on the horizon:

“There’s a fellow out there called Michael Bisping. As he moves up in the rankings and challenges for a title – I think we’ll have some significant interest in that live event.”

The message is, if you’re not throwing MMA parties yet, you will be soon. A successful soirée doesn’t just happen – it’s all in the preparation. Here are a few things to bear in mind when planning your bash.

Guest List

Without doubt the most important ingredient – although, it is more than likely your front room will be populated by a totally random crew who rallied to the call “All back to mine!” at last orders.

The trick is to avoid extremes, as irritability levels rise after the

midnight hour.

Having someone round who is new to MMA is fine, as long as they are open-minded. In fact, watching with a few mates to help with the finer points is probably the perfect introduction to the sport. However, nothing will kill the mood more than a determined hater. “Why are they cuddling each other? Why don’t they get up and fight properly? If one of these poofs got in with a proper fighter like Joe Calzaghe / Bruce Lee / Big Terry from the local they’d get mashed.” See, you’re getting riled just reading this. Imagine hearing this when you’re trying to concentrate on a gripping title fight, you’ve not been to bed for 22 hours and you’re in easy reaching distance of an ornamental fire poker.

A man who knows too much can be equally off-putting. Jiu-jitsu appeals to people because you can go at it full on from your first time. Unfortunately, some ‘jits’ guys carry this philosophy into the social arena. “Watch for the sweep! Pass! Pass!” They repeat this loudly, twenty times a minute throughout, and believe that no one will be in any doubt that they are experts of Yoda-esque proportions. Impressed? You won’t be. The unfortunate soul who sits next to them may suffer the ultimate nightmare: the demonstration of what should have happened. Chokes, heel hooks, time off work on crutches – you’ll know all about these if you get the guest list wrong.

A useful reminder for everyone: bragging about how you got into MMA before anyone else and remembering the names and numbers of every UFC is to be avoided. Keep telling yourself: “I am among actual human beings who have jobs, rounded personalities and sexual relationships with people they have met in the flesh. Forum behaviour is not acceptable.”

PRE FIGHT ENTERTAINMENT

For a 3am start you’re likely to have at least a couple of hours to fill before the action. Huddling round a computer reading the undercard play by play is anti-social and plain bad manners.

Fight DVDs are OK, but tend to awaken the inner nerd in some people. If anyone even looks at the case of an instructional, eject them immediately. You’re far better-off watching a fast paced movie with plenty of action. Think Ong Bak, City of God, or Sin City. If you can’t get the group to agree on one, whip out Rocky 3. Undesirables who oppose this masterpiece should also be shown the door.

Nothing poisons the ambience like a ‘friendly’ game of poker. As with all gambling between mates, it generates plenty of fake smiles masking murderous intent. Multiplayer gaming is ideal for keeping the troops sharp. At least until UFC Undisputed comes out in 2009, a Fight Night Round 3 tournament is the perfect warm-up.

DRESS CODE

Less is more if you take the fight wear option. T-shirts and hoodies are fine. Shorts – okay. Gloves, a gumshield or gi may mark you out as slightly eccentric.

Fancy dress has never been my thing but, if you go down that route, I think you need a theme. I find the idea of a Bruce Buffer party appealing. Raid charity shops for their finest Hong Kong shiny suits, bouffant your hair and stay in character. For instance: you pivot and menacingly jab a card in the face of a fellow guest while saying: “It’s Tiiime! For, the man in the corner, wearing a blue shirt, to pass me a pooooork piiiiie!” I find the idea of women dressing up as Buffer particularly alluring - but that’s normal, right?

FOOD

Pizza is the obvious choice: it’s tasty and it comes direct to your door, cut up and ready to share. Unfortunately, it is worthless for anyone hoping to stay alert. The downside of pizza kicks in about five seconds after you finish your final slice: you bloat and go to sleep. Eat a pizza and keeping your eyes open becomes a quest. Stay awake and you’ll wallow in self-disgust as you feel the stodge in your gut expand in contrast to the physical perfection of GSP et al on the screen in front of you.

Don’t try any exotic dishes. Splash out on a selection of sushi in honour of the Japanese roots of Lyoto Machida and you’re backing a loser. Like the man himself, half the crowd will rave about the rare, oriental flavour; the other half will find it unpalatable and slam it as only good for ponces.

Tex-Mex is the way to go: a pot of chilli and an array of skins, wedges, nachos and dips. It’s spicy enough and you can pace yourself with small regular top ups.

Tex-Mex has the added bonus of giving that hint of authenticity, as it provides the foundation of countless Vegas buffets.

Those with a sweet tooth could follow the example of Mashall Zelaznik who, like only an American could, pours a pack of M&Ms into a bucket of hot popcorn. Many others will be attracted by the traditional British option: forget the food and put the cash towards the booze budget.

DRINK

Water will keep you hydrated and help you to remain on the ball. Back on planet Earth, everyone else is drinking alcohol.

You could go with Bud Light, ‘exclusive beer sponsor of the UFC,’ but that’s unlikely. Although the Yanks are still ahead of us Brits in terms of MMA, they can teach us little when it comes to binge drinking.

Revisit the glories of UFC 80 (Newcastle Brown Ale), UFC 70 (Boddington’s Bitter, brewed in Manchester) or UFC 75 and 85 (if you’re not into London Dry Gin, simply copy our capital’s discerning street drinkers with a three-litre bottle of super-strength white cider).

Alternatively, produce your own cocktails. All you need is a drinks cabinet and a selection of fruit. Mix the drinks to your own taste and use your imagination when naming your creation. Personal favourites of mine are the Josh Koscheck (it makes you feel really pleased with yourself, even though you’re doing very little), the Sean Sherk (it looked like orange juice, how was I supposed to know the effect it would have?) and the Karo Parisyan (after one you aggressively ask: “Do you know who I am?” After two you sink into a deep panic and desperately ask: “Who am I?”).

This is all good fun, but you must proceed with caution when dealing with strong spirits. I tried to develop a cocktail with a potency level worthy of bearing the name of the legendary striker Chuck Liddell, in honour of his headlining slot at UFC 88. Unfortunately, a momentary lapse of concentration meant I overdid it on the tequila and mixed a Rashad by mistake. I woke up face down on the floor with a throbbing head and my plans in tatters. Also, steer clear of naming a drink after ‘The Prodigy’. You don’t want to spend the evening asking your mates if they fancy a BJ.

What’s Your snacking Personality?

In March 2001 Dr Alan Hirsch, the head of Chicago’s Smell and Taste Centre, released a new book called ‘What Flavour Is Your Personality?’ As part of his research for the book, Dr Hirsch (a neurologist) surveyed the snacking habits of 800 volunteers in an attempt to connect their snack food preferences with their personality traits and likely compatibility with others. Here’s Dr. Hirsch’s key snackfood personality charts, which one are you?

Nuts: Easygoing, empathetic, understanding, calm, and have an even-keel nature.

Potato Chips: Ambitious, successful, a high achiever and impatient with less than the best.

Corn Chips: A perfectionist, punctual, conservative, responsible and have high expectations.

Twisties or Cheezels: Conscientious, principled, proper, fair, plan ahead, love order, have great integrity but can seem rigid.

Pretzels Lively, easily bored with routine, flirtatious, intuitive, may overcommit to projects.

Popcorn: Take-charge, pitches in often, modest, self-confident but not a show-off.

Crackers Rational, logical, contemplative, shy, prefers time alone.

So how does this party rate?

Pre fight entertainment B

No games console visible here but on the plus side there’s also no Twister (the game best played in ‘mixed company’ NOT Eddie

Bravo) or Connect 4.

Guests A

If you can get UFC fighters like Roger Huerta and ‘Shogun’ Rua to your party you’re onto a winner.

Dress Code B+

Well balanced with Bad Boy and Sinister making an appearance among

‘civilian dress’.

Venue B+

Nice décor, comfy furniture and a good sized table for snacks and drinks. More people than seats makes you look very popular indeed.

Drinks A

Spot on. A good mix of beer, wine, soft drinks and water (or possibly pints of gin or vodka – it’s hard to tell). Something

for everyone.

Food B

Very health conscious but unless you’re a fighter (no, seriously, not just ‘training to be a cage fighter’) if you break out some of this stuff at your TV party there’ll be more than a few

raised eyebrows.

Party Games

Dana White for a Day

After every fight take turns giving your assessment of the fighters’ future prospects in the style of everyone’s favourite wannabe Bond villain. With maximum profanity tell the group who is a tough kid with a future and who ‘pussed out’. Extra points for posing the question: “Does he really want to be a fuckin’ fighter?”

Mike and Joe’s Full House

Each player gets a bingo card with a number of words and phrases which are typically used in commentary by Goldberg and Rogan. For example: ‘Natural Athlete’, ‘Unbelievable’, ‘World Class’, and ‘Are You Kidding Me?’ The winner is the first to cross them all off.

Ring Walk Jury

For a stake each player randomly draws a card with a fighter’s name on. The winner is the one whose pick enters the Octagon to the best music (to be decided by consensus). A card bearing the name Matt Hughes earns instant elimination.

Bluffer’s Guide

Not confident of your MMA knowledge?

Here are a few phrases to chip in as you watch. Many are relatively meaningless, but they will make you feel more involved.