Issue 055
October 2009
New to MMA? Mick Bower leads you through a guide on how to bluff your way through the various pitfalls that face a prospective fan of the world’s fastest growing sport.
Wear the gear, pretend you’ve got an idea
You want to act the part, you’ve got to dress the part. The huge variety of MMA t-shirts on the market means that you should be able to find a design to match your mood. Best to mix it up a little: bright primary colors for the good times and plenty of skulls and chains for the rest. Not too tight or you could be mistaken for a body builder. Just beware that if you wear your Tapout tee to a bar or club you’ll be fending off questions about last week’s UFC for the rest of the evening – make sure to brush up on the results of the last few events so you know what you’re talking about.
Comment
You’re watching the fights on TV and want to show your knowledge. Keep it simple at first, but go loud for effect. Any clinch against the fence, shout “under hooks!”. During grappling on the canvas, “sweep”, “pass” or the sublime “explode now” will serve you well.
You can say just about anything and pass it off as an old wrestling term if challenged. Whatever name you invent for a move, it will look plausible next to the Gator Roll and the Banana Split. Jiu-jitsu is no better so, as long as you keep a straight face and sell it, your audience will accept it as gospel. Surely the Peruvian Necktie was thought up by someone trying to impress a little too much.
The Ultimate Fighter
‘TUF Noob’; the sneering term used to describe someone who got into the sport through watching The Ultimate Fighter. Even though the show has been running for almost five years and is widely acknowledged as a key factor in the growth in popularity of MMA, if you admit to being a viewer you could be the subject of ridicule.
No matter how old you are, you have to claim you got into the sport via seeing Shooto on grainy VHS tapes. Like Fight Club and looking through your mom’s lingerie catalog, TUF viewing is an enjoyable hobby you must never discuss in public. Confident guys may say they “just watch the fights”, but are quick to slate the goings on in the house (before remembering they never watch it, honest).
Scoring
A sure fire winner to bluffing your way through MMA is by demonstrating your expertise by scoring the fight. Be controversial, score in direct opposition to whatever your eyes tell you. Establish yourself as a connoisseur of the finer points of MMA by appreciating things that no one else can see. You’ll be amazed how often the judges agree with you. Complaining that the ten point must system does not work for MMA is mandatory. Don’t worry if you’ve not thought about a better alternative system, just moan along with the rest of them. For now, push the current method of scoring to the limit. 10-9 rounds are the sign of a bore – any close round should be a 10-10 on your card, emphasizing that you are not easily swayed. Alternatively, go big: 10-8, 10-7; maybe even a 10-6 if you’re aiming to get laid. Maverick judging gives you an edgy, outsider appeal.
Live Events
You’re all set for a live event. This is tough as you don’t have the commentators to help you anymore, and the easy fall back about the commentators being idiots who don’t know what they’re talking about.
Rule one: never boo, never complain, never question the quality of the fights you are watching, even if they are consistently crap. To fit in as an MMA fan, you have to become uncritical to the point of defensiveness. Shake your head at those fools who can’t appreciate the art in five minutes of strike-free kickboxing. Tut contemptuously at those who find lay and pray dull. Most importantly, dispute every stand-up. This is the ideal opportunity to identify yourself as a genuine hardcore fan. Yell: “They never reposition boring stand-up on the ground!” and feel the wave of admiration from your fellow ‘experts’.
The only time dissent is acceptable is after a stoppage. Any ref who stops a fight while both fighters are still alive is betraying the traditions of the sport. Cheer the wronged victim to the rafters and agree with your friends that his unconscious self should have been savagely beaten for longer.
In an Emergency...
At some time in your life; you will be found out. You’ll get your Americana tangled up with your anaconda, and a wiser head (or bigger bluffer) will call you on it. Do not fear, you have a way out. When your back is against the wall, make an outlandish statement in praise of Rickson Gracie. Something along the lines of, “Rickson could beat Brock and Fedor on the same night” or “Rickson actually underplays his fight record. His unbeaten run is well into the thousands”. After a moment of silence, you can guarantee that someone will dispute your claim. You’re off the hook. Your minor misdemeanor will be forgotten as the congregation turn on the heretic who dares to take the name of the great one in vain. As the lone voice is persecuted and hopefully arm barred back to his senses, you can slip away. When all else is lost, trust in the power of Rickson. His spirit watches over all MMA fans, new and old.
Handy MMA Phrases
Stuck for what to say in a conversation about MMA? Drop these in at any time and avoid revealing your lack of knowledge about MMA.
“Yeah, his jiu-jitsu is good but he could still benefit from training with Eddie Bravo – he’s a grappling genius.”
“Regardless of who holds the title, the light heavyweight division has always had the UFC’s marquee fights.”
“If this was under Pride rules, this would be over right now.”
“It doesn’t matter if he wins or loses his next fight, Randy’s position as a legend in the sport is secure.”
“You know, if Royce had lost that first tournament, we wouldn’t be watching UFC or any kind of MMA right now. Think about that for a second.”
“Roy Jones Jr vs Anderson Silva? Dana White would never let it happen.”
“That victory / loss [delete as appropriate] was all down to the game plan.”
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