Issue 166

April 2018

I was coming off losses to some of the top girls in the division. I had minor hiccups in my life that took away from my focus on my ultimate goal and the one thing that I have loved since I started doing MMA and it was those guys at Strong Style.

Instead of embracing them and turning to them, I abused them emotionally. I wasn’t who I wanted to be. It was because of losing.

I felt very abused. I felt like people didn’t care what I was going through. The press only reported the negative for me and the positive for everyone else. I felt like I was on a teeter-totter and everyone was on the opposite end as me and I was just getting thrown around.

Not to mention I just spent the past four years walking around over 150lb just so I could be bigger at 135lb. That was not me. Again, that was a part of the anxiety fighting at that weight brought me.

I felt like the past few months my life really started to turn around. I started to be more positive. I started finding a better sense of myself. Once I knew the flyweight division was coming everything was easier. It was easier to diet. It was easier to go to practice every day because I felt like I was more evenly matched.

The anxiety wasn’t there because the anxiety I felt at 135lb came from the fact that I knew I wasn’t supposed to be there. It wasn’t who I was. I felt like I was constantly living in this world where I didn’t fit in. When I knew that 125lb was coming that anxiety subsided. I always wanted it to happen. It was up to the UFC to make it happen, and they set me up in a lane that I can succeed in.

I went 17 months outside the cage. I didn’t even realize it had been that long until we stopped and counted. It had been four years since I got my hand raised.

Then the stars finally aligned for me for the first time in a really long time. Not only because of me and my hard work but because of my friends, who helped push me through the dark times, alongside my teammates and coaches who pushed me through all of it.

Everybody came together for me. There were 25 of my closest friends at that fight. I heard every one of their voices and they all made an impact.

I didn’t fight the fight the way everybody else thought I should fight. I fought how I wanted to fight that night. I didn’t stand there and bang when I didn’t want to. I showed the world that I am a complete mixed martial artist.

I had a little ring rust. I always said that there was no such thing as ring rust, but I may have put my foot in my mouth. Going into the third round, I wanted to hit takedowns because I know takedowns win fights. My arms were a little shaky from the adrenaline and thought ‘Oh, that’s what ring rust is.’ The thought was to show people that I’m not just a striker.

I have a phenomenal ground game, but I have never been able to use it the right way because I knew I was grappling girls who were heavier than me – and I know what it’s like to get stuck underneath someone who is heavier. It sucks. I never felt that way with Kalindra Faria. I never felt she was stronger. I felt evenly matched. I was able to see the openings more. Everything we practiced I did in the fight. When they announced the winner, I was just thinking, ‘Please judges, don’t rob me.’ I did enough.

When you are not winning and they don’t give you the ‘W’, you don’t feel adequate. I spent a lot of time not feeling adequate. This is what I needed. The best is yet to come. Today, the beer I drink tastes a little sweeter, the hugs feel a little tighter. I slept a little bit longer because, for once, I felt like the winner I know I am.