Issue 160
November 2017
The fighters who were in way over their head on the biggest stage
Back in the ’90s, there were plenty of fighters who bit off more than they could chew. The sport was new, evolving, and martial artists entering the first UFCs and no-holds-barred competitions didn’t understand what the game was all about.
Fast-forward a few years and people were getting wise to the skills required, the best were fighting the best and mismatches were a thing of the past at the highest level. Well, mostly...
ONLY THE BRAVE: LINA LANSBERG - UFC FIGHT NIGHT 95.
Because of her habit of beating all of her opponents half to death, there’s never exactly been a long line of people queuing up to fight Cris ‘Cyborg’ Justino.
Even when the UFC tried to introduce her into the organization by having her cut to 140lb and fight blown-up bantamweights, few women on the roster wanted to take on a drained version of someone who’d knocked out her last 11 opponents. Enter Lina Länsberg.
Though the Swede had competed at featherweight before, she best suited to 135lb. The ‘Elbow Princess’ was also just 6-1 and making her Octagon debut. She toughed it out for a while, but just like everyone else, she couldn’t withstand the assault from the biggest hitter in the game.
FOR REAL: CM PUNK - UFC 203.
Put it down on paper and it was obvious. The former WWE pro-wrestling superstar – real name Phil Brooks – was, at 37, a martial arts beginner with no fights and years of physical wear and tear from a lifetime in the squared circle.
Mickey Gall was an experienced and dangerous grappler with two first-round stoppage wins under his belt and in peak condition at 24 years old. Shock horror, the younger, fitter, more skilled competitor easily dodged an embarrassingly telegraphed straight right hand and took the older, inexperienced debutant down instantly, beat him up, took his back and choked him easily.
Punk took a chance and tried to challenge himself, but just didn’t belong in there.
CANNON FODDER: DOS CARAS JR. - PRIDE BUSHIDO 1.
If you know anything about Japanese MMA, you’ll know that competitive matchmaking is not always top of the list of priorities. Spectacle is. When Pride launched its new Bushido series of events, it was looking for one of its big names to deliver.
Step forward undefeated Mirko Cro Cop, the man known for decapitating people with his left high kick. He was fed ‘Dos Caras Jr’ – aka José Alberto Rodríguez, aka pro wrestler Alberto Del Rio – a luchador who came to the ring wearing a pro wrestling mask.
That headgear disguised his face, but couldn’t hide the fear as he attempted to take on the man referred to as the most dominant fighter in the world. He was knocked out in 46 seconds.
SECOND CHOICE: JUSTIN EILERS - UFC 53.
In February 2005, Paul Buentello knocked out the late Justin Eilers in a number one contenders’ match at UFC 51, yet, somehow, five months later, it was Eilers in the main event against heavyweight champion Andrei Arlovski. Buentello, who hadn’t been cleared to fight when the main event was scheduled, fought on the undercard.
While ‘The Headhunter’ defeated Kevin Jordan in the first round of the main card curtain jerker, Eilers took one of the worst beatings in UFC title-fight history. He broke both his hands, snapped his jaw, tore his ACL and got TKO’ed in one round.
SHAKING IN HIS BOOTS: CHRIS CARIASO - UFC 178
Three wins in a row are nothing to be sniffed at, but when they earned the ‘Kamikaze’ the chance to be the opponent for Demetrious Johnson’s fifth defense of his 125lb title reign, no one really thought he was anywhere near ‘Mighty Mouse’s level. Maybe he didn’t either.
The eighth-ranked flyweight looked absolutely terrified on his way to the cage, then looked like he’d rather be anywhere else once the champion started smashing him all over. He was seconds from being finished at the end of round one, but his prospects didn’t improve. He tapped to a kimura moments later.
SACRIFICIAL LAMB: GILLES ARSENE - PRIDE 23
Wikipedia is hardly the most reliable source of MMA information, but when you find someone who doesn’t even have his own page in the main-event of a Pride show at the height of its popularity, you know something must be up.
The promotion’s star, Kazushi Sakuraba, had lost two fights in a row and was in need of a bounce-back opponent, so rather than recruiting one of the tougher fighters from the middleweight division, bosses picked a Frenchman with just one previous fight. This insight from color commentator Bas Rutten says it all really:
“The only thing we know about him is he probably ate a croissant this morning because that’s from France.” Quelle surprise, he lost.
